Book Flog- Anita Blake: Serpentine, Chapters 33-37 (61%- PLEASE MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN!!!)


Crapter 33:


Donna’s all pissed that they now have a case on her wedding trip- even though it’s really not theirs- so much that she gives Tedward the full name treatment: Theodore Magnus Forrester.  She’s surprised Anita didn’t know it; Tedward explains even the therapists explained that was the point of having different lives- sharing them with different people.  Who’d a’ thunk it?


Anita has a KEEN INSIGHT that while they love each other, both of them are starting to get tired of this kinda crap.  Donna’s lashing out at everyone, even Bernardo, since if he hadn’t fucked the girl this might not have landed in their lap.  Bernardo reminds Donna that’s none of her business, and Tedward agrees, which shocks her.  Then he goes Edward (or Batman, depending on your POV) on her and asks why’d she have to tell Dixie about him and Anita after making him swear not to tell anyone.  Well… I’m a woman… and I had to talk to another woman about it- right, Anita?  Nate chimes in that Anita don’t do that shit.


Tedward reminds Donna that Dixie’s still threatening to tell Becca.  Well, she promised she wouldn’t.  Yeah, like she promised before- you know what that could do to how they see me? 


Everyone else, including Anita, takes this as their cue to leave but… since Anita always has to be the focus, Tedward piles on with Anita won’t be Aunty anymore, either.  Now it’s time to pile on Donna for not thinking things through- does she put the kids or her own feelings first?  That’s it- Dixie can’t be in the wedding.  260 pages.



Crapter 34:


Back at the pool Peter and Dixie seem to have been involved in some kind of tussle.  He’s got her in a hold while she’s screaming and carrying on & he’s got deep scratches on his hand and thigh.  Nicky & Bernardo pin her down, and of course, it’s all because Dixie was gonna go tell Becca about the kind of Daddy she was getting.  Peter’s pissed- all the girls were playing together and looking so happy (cue rainbows, My Little Ponies and Care Bears).


The kid deserves the truth-how could you do that to me-blahblahblah


To grind Donna down even further, her own son steps up to chastise her for telling Dixie about this.  How dare you!  If you don’t like it, then do better.   Now Donna starts wangsting again about Tedward not sharing some things with her, only Anita; even Peter knows better than this shit.  Micah (!) asks if Anita were a guy would you think he was cheating with her?  No!- but it’s always ‘Anita this, Anita that’ with him whenever he gets home.


Once again, Anita has a KEEN INSIGHT into the situation: the danger, excitement, horror and thrill of the job are the things they share, and what he keeps separate.  (In short, all the common sense shit any soldier, cop, etc, would)


Donna echoes that KEEN INSIGHT- because that’s exactly what Tedward told her.  Micah asks why she didn’t believe him?  Because it’s bullshit- they protect people; violence is just necessary to do it.  Wow, Tedward- you did tell her truth.  Wouldn’t have asked you all to lie if I hadn’t tried the truth first.


Donna wants to know if they’re still gonna work the case; we’re not working- we got questioned, is all.  But if they ask you to work, you will. 


I love ya, babe, but I’m getting tired of this crap all the time.  This is a no-win scenario.  I always win- except when it comes to you.  I let you win, a lot.  I want to be there for you and the kids.  You say you believe that I’m not physically cheating, but now I’m emotionally cheating and I’ll give in if you push hard enough.  Not this time.


Peter and Donna start crying.  Tedward touches Peter’s shoulder; Peter grabs his arm to keep him from pulling away.  Tedward asks Donna how she wants him to look at her.  Like you still love me, like we’re a family.  We are, but Anita and I are BFFs- that’s what being BFFs means: an emotional connection.  (Duh!)


Ok, you win- I won’t be insecure about Anita and you can help on the case if you want to.  Tedward, Donna & Peter are standing together now; Dixie complains Donna can’t ignore the affair just because she loves him.


Ru asks what’s wrong with this woman?  Micah moves closer to Anita; Bernardo maneuvers himself between Dixie and the family.  Something’s wrong about the look on Dixie’s face, and she keeps saying Donna can’t take him back.  Lucy steps up to get her attention and manages to steer her back to the hotel.


Everyone wonders what the fuck just happened.  Peter says maybe it has to do with her hubby, Ray, who cheats.  He’s friends with their son, and kids know what’s going on.  Donna notices Peter’s leg wound; Dixie stabbed him with a fountain pen and a piece broke off in his leg.  It’s bleeding pretty good (wonder why no one noticed that this whole time?).


Peter wonders if his mom asked Tedward to give up Anita (wasn’t this kid paying attention?) and why.  Donna confesses that part of the reason she wanted Tedward to split from Anita is, of course, because she’s soo purty and bootiful and zexxy and she looks like she knows how to have hawt zexx. 


(I’m exhausted from reading all this shit) 281 pages.



Crapter 35:


Before going in the ambulance with Peter, Tedward tells Anita to keep Dixie away from Becca.  Dixie, btw, is hysterical that she hurt Peter.  Cops come to investigate the matter; urine all over the place.  289 pages.



Crapter 36:


Tedward informs everyone Peter’s in surgery.  Anita’s looking after Becca- and a little irked that the kid’ll soon be way taller than she is- who managed to hear some of the shit Dixie was saying.  Aunty Anita actually has to supply definitions about monogamous  and polyamorous to an eleven-year old girl. 


Anita takes Becca back to the room to change; Becca wants to wear her pink dress and asks Anita why she doesn’t wear pink.  Not really my color.


A deep voice from behind says he’d love to see Anita in pink.  Anita pushes Becca into the room and turns to see Olaf standing there… and Becca greets him as Uncle Otto!!!  293 pages.


(Have to admit- didn’t see that one coming.)



Crapter 37:


Turns out ol’ Uncle Otto got invited to the wedding.  Becca notices the tension, asks if they’re gonna fight.  Olaf promises not to if Anita does. 


Does Tedward know you’re here?  Nope; got invited by the bride- she wants us guys to mend our friendship. (So how’d she know how to find him?)  Anita has another KEEN INSIGHT that when you can’t be Batman to your fiancée, you can’t explain the Joker to her.  The look on her face makes Olaf laugh- a deep, rumbling sound that would’ve been zexxy on anyone else.


Last I heard from you, you said you were gonna stay far away from me.  Nope; it said only until I could handle being a werelion so your zexxy vampire ways wouldn’t affect me.  How long you been here?  Not long but long enough.  You waited for everyone to leave!  Well, duh. 


They rehash the pool scenario; Anita finds herself agreeing with Olaf that if Peter doesn’t survive, neither should Dixie.  Olaf is surprised Anita would help him kill her.  I never said that- I know her.  WTF difference does that make- does it make it harder?  Nah, not really; just she’s got kids and all- she’s a person to me.  Meh- for me, the more I know makes things easier; more damage in less time.  Strangers can be cool when all you want is blood and pain, but sometimes ya just gotta make them feel it on all levels.   Now see- we were having a moment, and you ruined it.  Sorry Anita- you always knew what’s up; I gotta be me.  Only because Tedward told me all about you before we met… and then you wanted to kill me when we did.  That was because, well- you’re a woman; what’s a woman doing working with us?  Plus Tedward would’ve killed me if I killed you- doesn’t mean I didn’t wanna bang you, tho.


So Tedward’s what stopped you?  Yep; now I read Sherlock Holmes.  …uh, what…?  Means I like the way he treats women.  You’re the only girl for me, Anita- no one else makes me NOT wanna get… carried away like I usually do.  I’m flattered (seriously- whatever it took to keep him in check).  You should be- you’re my Irene Adler.  So do I call you Sherlock now?  Cool- pet names; like a real couple!  303 pages.


61 % in and still no movement towards the plot.  This is worse than Bullet!  All I can say is I’m damn glad I have to get ready for work.  I don’t even have any words for this shitshow.